Wednesday, October 14, 2009

First Fight

Alright my blogging friends, I already have a dilemma. A week into this marriage and we have already had our first fight. Is this normal??

Look this is my second marriage, I don't want to screw it up, but I'll be honest sometimes this guy really gets on my nerves! To top that off, I'm far away from home, I miss my family, my friends, all things that are familiar to me!

Plus this marriage is pseudo-arranged, in that, while he and I got to talk, we don't know each other that super well. And suddenly I just want to be free, I want to be single (is that normal, when one finally gets married to want to get out of it??).

Help!!

13 Comments:

Blogger apt said...

Wow. I have no reference, like at all, to speak from, but I am sure it is normal....
Was the fight trivial or something big?

Thinking of you! **hug**

Tony

1:50 AM  
Blogger secret agent woman said...

Oh, my. I had lived with my husband for a year first, so I can't imagine what that would be like. The fighting is normal - we had a big run-in on our honeymoon - but maybe the adjustment is rougher if you don't know each other as well?

8:32 AM  
Blogger shannon said...

Hey woman...send me an e-mail if you want to talk in specifics.
I think a fight in your second week of marriage is okay, as long as you guys worked through it. You've never lived together before, it's going to take some getting used to.
As for wanting to be single...that may be a result of the fight.
But seriously, e-mail me.

10:59 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

I think arguing is absolutely normal for married couples, and while it's not pleasant, it can be constructive. The first year of marriage is hard work (I didn't realise quite how hard it was when I was living it, but now I look back and think that there was quite a lot of negotiation and compromise that took place), even when you know and love the person you're married to. There's even more adjustment that has to take place when you don't know each other that well.

You both will have your own established patterns and routines, and working out new ones which suit both of you will take awhile. Getting to know each other's quirks will take some time too. (Some of those quirks will remain annoying to each of you, though - but hopefully some will become rather endearing.)

I find that even in marriage, my independence is important to me, and Justin knows and respects that. He knows that I actually enjoy it if his work takes him away for an evening or if goes to spend a weekend with his family and I have the house to myself, or when I go out with some of my friends (who are *my* friends, not *our* friends - there's a difference) for a day. Yes, I miss him, but having my own space at times keeps me sane and keeps me in touch with who I am as an individual. I know that's not the case for all married couples or all women, but that's part of what marriage is about - finding your own identity within the role of 'wife', establishing a new identity as a couple, but making sure that who you are deep down isn't compromised, only enhanced.

These are HUGE adjustments that you're going through. It's not going to be sunshine and light all the time. But hopefully it will get easier as time goes on.

Sorry - I know this is a bit rambly, and maybe not wildly encouraging. I wish I were there to sit down and chat with you over a cup of tea. Sending you hugs. xx

11:05 AM  
Blogger Merci said...

Fighting is entirely normal, but it's easier to weather when you have developed love and respect for each other. It can actually be good, if it's handled appropriately. Don't let it fester and put you into different corners like boxers.

The only man who will not get on your nerves is one that you would never marry. And, rest assured, you get on his nerves, too. Men and women are different creatures. It's tough sometimes, but it's also good (vive la difference).


For me, when things start to annoy me, I start to boil a bit about them inside, then I can become scornful. Once I get there, there is almost no turning back. If you are like that at all, DON'T GO THERE! I've had to work on that for years in all of my relationships - casual and personal. It's worth working on, and it's worth finding new ways to see the beauty and goodness in people.

Let us know that you are OK, alright? You've made a lot of big changes all at once, and you've been in my thoughts and prayers.

11:31 AM  
Blogger Molly Malone said...

well, i for one, would think you were insane if you DIDN'T fight with someone you barely knew and just married. i'd wonder if one or both of you were on horse tranquilizers. as far as wanting to be out: i think that every time Honey and i have a major stew, and we've been happily together for 13 years and will likely only separate because of death. yeah. it's normal.

just wanted to say i agree w/ all that's been said here; especially w/ what Merci said about carrying scorn.

more thoughts later, though. i'll ping you.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Brenda said...

I've been married for over 38 years and not a day of it has been perfect. It's been comfortable though so I've hung in there. That's all you can do in any relationship.

7:11 PM  
Blogger mommanator said...

you must know you will have fights and wonder 'what have I got myself into", I agree with everyone!
my hubby and I were different, we hardly evr fought, because he just wouldn't! EEk it made me madder if he would just look at me as though I were crazy or something! I have that Irish temper, and he knew to leave well enough alone.
Just think-how much fun the making up is!
My hubby and I never let the sun go down before we made up. Even if I was steaming! I ate allot of crow!but it was well worth it.
It does take work on both sides, but enter God(you God) into the duo and you'll get through!
I'll be praying for ya!
Yes I'm rambling SORRY

10:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your wedding. You are human and all the comments above are true examples of Happy marriages. I am sure if you ask your mother and close friends they can recite incidents that will make your life look not so bad. This is the hardest job you will ever have and finding a decent man is like looking for a needle in a haystack. So if he is a good person he will also be making some adjustments.
Anything worthwhile in life requires a lot of honest hard work.

All the best in this "new adventure" May God guide you and your husband to the right and a Happy path.
Let us know when you make up!!

Austen

11:39 AM  
Blogger Virginia Gal said...

Tony - thanks!

Secret Agent - yes it is definitely an adjustment.

Shannon - you are so sweet, it wasn't a big fight and we are over it, but thank you for being there.

Kate - See this is why even though I am not Anglican, I would join your church, because you are so great at helping. Thank you!

Merci - you words are like salve to me. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers!

Molly - thanks for your kind words!

Brenda - thank you - 38 years, wow, I'm impressed, I am working on making 38 days, ha ha!

Mommantor - you never ramble! Thank you for the prayers!

Austen - Thanks Austen and you are right, this is the HARDEST job I've ever had!!

2:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sound kind of high maintenance from what I've read. Maybe you should chill.

3:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree. Have you always had things done your way? Have you ever worked through things or did you take the easy way out? It seems like you need to grow up and realize that you are now a married woman and stop thinking, "oh i was i was still single" or else you'll end up without a husband.
Who cares if your marriage was "pseduo-arranged." i am sure you had a choice of saying yes or no. it seems like you blame things on everyone else instead of taking the time to look at your own actions. You mentioned in a blog that you're 32 years old. Well lady, start acting like a married mature adult, instead of a childish kid who refuses to grow up.

I know I come off as sounding harsh, but maybe this is what you needed to hear unless you enjoy a pity party.

1:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, the other anonymous comments are really mean. don't let haters get ya down. darlin'. :)

12:56 PM  

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