Agree to Disagree
A so-called friend of mine and I have been going back and forth on why there are so many problems within the Muslim community regarding getting married. I've always tried to keep it light, but since this friend got dumped back in December, he has gotten meaner and meaner about the situation. There is a real level of animosity towards women in him now, almost palatable.
The other day he sent me his "missive" on why we Muslim girls are 100% to blame for not being able to get married.
I won't copy it verbatim because it will make your skin crawl and your blood boil as it did mine! But some excerpts are below in green:
Basically, the women in this part of the world do not want to accept their role in a "Muslim Marriage" as outlined in the religion.
Our Muslim girls' unwillingness to get married at the "right" time is creating a social gap or shortage in our society (which later goes in the opposite direction).
Our men in their prime age are not getting what they want or deserve rather, ie the much wanted companionship. Islam says that there are right ways of doing things which is defined as marriage. But when most men are around 27/28 and are ready, there is a serious shortage of girls! Most, if not all, of them were pursuing their careers!
I think that for a 29/30 year old girl, the guy who can properly handle their emotional issues, they need a 40 year old man!
At 28/29 these girls are not young anymore and nor can they call themselves a girl - they are a woman! At that age, they are not going to get a 31 or even a 32 year old guy who will marry them. You know why? They look "older" than even some 36-38 year old guys and not to mention they are far more mature from a mental and emotional standpoint. Its not fair to "expect" that a guy who is ONLY a few years older will be able to address the emotional issues of a woman.
What the hell is wrong with Muslim girls today? What is this big thing about becoming a doctor for heavens sake?!!! We men NEED companionship too!
Reading this, I was beyond outraged and depressed.
I thought this guy was a friend, but clearly if he thinks this way, he must think that I'm old and worthless. Everything he has said and done to me, I am now re-evaluating, they are all lies. It is a total betrayal to me.
I personally think if a girl is into a guy, she will do anything for him, doesn't matter the age or education. We women just want to be treated like human beings, not servants, which is what it sounds like my so-called friend wants.
This ex-friend says he is going to go back to Pakistan and get a girl, I say good luck! Girls there are not as naive and stupid as people think, I pray that he ends up with all daughters, so maybe than he may finally have some compassion for women.
Either way, I'm cutting this guy out of my life, I don't need haters around, no? But it just goes to prove the kind of crap I deal with every day being a divorced Muslim woman…. Another reminder by my community that I am worth nothing, lower than the common whore and beggar. Thanks.
posted by Virginia Gal @ 8:13 AM
14 Comments:
I'd have been furious to receive such an email too! Just WHO does he think he is? This is just an example of what's wrong with our world today, this Master and servant mentality of men!!
He is much, much too bitter - in fact, he probably needs some counseling of some sort, although he doesn't seem like the type who'd do that.
He must have really been into his ex and somthing just snapped to send his inner hatred outward, and there are enough reinforcing forces out there to make him worse.
There are enough positive people out there that you can surround yourself with, so don't waste your time anymore with him. However, from a mental health perspective, you may want to keep a tangental eye out to see if he spirals further - he may be going into a deep depression and may need some actual help. That fact that he keeps talking to you means that he considers you someone he can trust and vent to . . . even though you don't like what he says. Those folks may be in short supply in his life at the moment . . .
I'm sorry - but the more I think about it, his behavior is setting off alarm bells in my head. For your own sake, you should probably not deal with him any more, but before you cut him off, suggest that he talk to a more moderate Imam or pastoral counselor, and have a few names and numbers ready. He may scoff, but later actually use them. I don't remember how long you've known him, but if it's been a while, this would be a good last step. Just my $.02 . . .
I'm sorry that you are faced with these kinds of men. Are they really that way because of the religeon and how it's taught?
i am so mad at that. Why do we get the jackasses in our religion? Were always to blame from sisters to husbands, theres always something that they can point the finger at. Especailly when it comes to marriage, respect and parents. I for one, am pissed off about it, and I no where close to being at that stage of my life. And that thing about being a doctor, why can't we follow our dreams?Why are they so pompous and arrogant and superior?
There is not "right time" to get married, it happens when God thinks its right.
All I can say is that we (my family) are here for you 100% and that the only thing that matters to us is that you are happy, healthy, and humorous.Oh and this guys a totally jackass amongst other things which i shouldnt' post because you will think i have a dirty mouth.
=].
It seems like his issues go beyond cultural preferences. I'll bet you know men in your community who show respect for women and don't try to find ways to hurt them. It seems like he is blaming women so that he doesn't have to address his own inadequacies.
His anger and contempt toward women seem to be directed at you. VG, I don't usually feel comfortable giving this kind of advice in a comment, but I hear alarm bells, just like Random Kath. She is right, it is best not to deal with him anymore. Be careful about suggesting interventions to him. He might not take it well, especially from someone whom he has been treating with such venomous disrespect. Is there a mutual acquaintance who might be better suited to discussing this with him?
Remember that you are not the statistical embodiment of a group of Muslim girls (women!) who have not married by a certain age. You are your own unique, beautiful, charming self. You have your own story, not the cliched, one-dimensional tale that he wants to force on you. You have a whole life of dreams and wonders ahead of you, full of surprises and new opportunities.
Maidink - If he is miserable but realizes that it because of his own fault and not because of some woman, I'll most definitely feel vindicated. Sadly I don't think he will ever look inside himself, its easier to blame others, no?
Brenda - oh I was livid when I received this and he really thought he was doing me a favor by sending it, he said, "I'm sure once you've cooled down, you will read this note and agree," God what an egotist! This master - servant mentality is definitely alive and well with this guy!
Random Kath - thanks, he probably does need counseling but rest assured he never would get it. That would mean admiting there is something wrong with you and to him, there is nothing wrong, it is all women's faults. I'm done with him, I'm sure he will come back from his trip to Pakistan with a girl, hope she can handle him!
Joe - oh no these guys are a product of their chavunistic culture, which doesn't have anything to do with Islam. Actually the Prophet (pbuh) married an older woman who was much more successful than him, this was his first wife and the love of his life (he didn't start re-marrying till she died). The sad thing is how these men say their are Muslim but than never actually take the time to study the religion, just manipulate it to get what they want.
Naema - you guys are so sweet, please just say a dua for me, that I meet someone who will like me for me - sadly there are many guys like this one, if it is any comfort, he is Pakistani and well we all know Pakistani men are not as nice as our Indian boys : )
Merci - oh thank you for reminding me that I am worthy, that I have value. After reading this guys tirade against women and me, it seemed in particular, I have been questioning myself, what I wanted out of life and what I could have, did I fit into this guy's mold? Was I wrong to look at guys my own age? I like your phrase 'venomous disrespect,' I think that perfectly sums up what he said to me, I shall use it, should he ever contact me again. He has issues and I can no longer be attached to someone that hurtful, I left that in my first marriage and I will NOT go through that again. Thank you for making me feel better about myself : )
He's dumb. You and I will get married and show them all!!!!
Ha!
I have a great idea: after you marry Tony, you guys can adopt Snicks!!!
Seriously, your friend is freakin' tool. Let go of him pronto.
Tony - I do! LOL. Thanks for making me smile : )
Pax - oh I don't know, adopt Snicks? he's a bit of a handful and look at his church behavior, gastly! I can't have that. I'd much prefer a more disciplined kid, like Ms. Magnolia or Sabelina.
He is a tool and I'm cutting him off!
I agree with your decision to stop being friends with him. He's miserable and wants company. Also, friends don't say such mean things to another friend.
Divine - thanks - I agree, what kind of "friend" are you to say that to me? It's just hurtful. There are more tactful ways to get a person's point across.
Dear VG's "friend": Crawl off and die. Respectfully, Belinda.
Dear VG: I am SO glad you are not buying into this crap, because I can totally see how, if you heard it often enough and from enough people close to you, you might start believing it. Good GRIEF. And I thought that character from Monsoon Wedding was a CARICATURE. Guess not!! He was based on your "friend!"
Belinda - yeah, I was talking to my aunt yesterday and we were lamenting on how so many people in our community can be so vicious. Its been about three weeks since I got this email but finally I can calmly say to this "friend" that I don't need negativity in my life - because you're right, if you listen to this to often, you really will start to believe it!
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