Monday, February 26, 2007

Blue Monday

This weekend was not a particularly good one for me....

I decided to be the better person and go to my friend's baby shower (btw Naima where the heck were you?!!!). It was an Indian thing - this friend of mine had gotten a divorce and remarried within like two years, while I still sit on the shelf. To say it hurts a little is an understatement. That is one of the good things about b-school, most of the time I don't feel these things so acutely, life is so busy here. Anyway, I went (though I really didn't want to but I didn't want to seem like the spoilsport), put on a smile, but inside it was so painful. I sat there realizing that I'm an old hag and even if I do get married and pregnant, there will be no baby shower. Indian society doesn't do baby shower's for old women, its unseemly, like having a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party when you turn 40, it just isn't done. Plus I didn't want to get to close to my friend because like the Scarlett Letter, God Forbid should something happen to her baby, the witch (that's me) will automatically be blamed. You know how it is, (read the Crucible), anyone remotely non-conformist is going to have the finger pointed at them first.

To top that off, I have been royally tired of late - and all I wanted to do Saturday night was sleep and than leave for school the next morning. My mother wouldn't hear of it, because DC was to get hammered with a snow storm early Sunday morning . So I had to drive down, after the horrible baby shower, to Richmond. I spent the time crying in the car the whole way, from sheer exhaustion.

But wait there is more...I'm bitter because I still haven't heard from a single internship position, am I that bad a candidate?? I made straight A's last semester? What is better than that? My undergrad G.P.A. was a 3.87 out of 4.0, I have work experience....what more is there? I think I should have gone to a better b-school, one with a better reputation. But my standarizied test scores were not good enough to get me into a top-rated b-school. This gets me thinking...maybe I shouldn't have gone back to school for my MBA? Maybe getting such a low GMAT score was an indication that I'm not cut out for this stuff. I don't have the math skills, which it seems all employers want (but I'm not opposed to learning, I think I have the brain power). As I ponder this I feel sad again....what am I doing with my life.

Right, sorry for this rambling..maybe because its Monday, maybe its because I'm still super tired that I'm feeling a bit down. But I'm trying to smile more, hopefully that will positively affect my mood. (hey at least the Oscars were funny!).

7 Comments:

Blogger JoeinVegas said...

OH, I'd hire you. Unfortunately, I can't pay you, but, well, good luck anyway.

7:14 PM  
Blogger Tony said...

Okay...

First of all you are not old OR a hag. Period. Shame on you for thinking as much. You are a lovely, intelligent, sweet young lady. Don't you dare for a moment think otherwise.

Secondly. GET SOME REST. Take a VG-Day and just pamper yourself. Take a long hot bath, listen to some relaxing music and just VEG... ain't no shame in just taking a personal day and enjoying yourself.

You will get hired... I have the utmost faith in that. Anyone who doesn't hire you is dumb. When you do get that job, it will be one you love and enjoy.

***lotsofhugs***

8:56 PM  
Blogger Merci said...

Honey, you're exhausted and you need some rest. Why not hole up over the weekend and do sweet, peaceful things? I've been there recently, I understand. Stock up on your favorite teas and some delicacies to go with them, and read a favorite book. Cry a little, if it helps, then don't cry anymore. Or go to a peaceful place that makes you feel cleansed and free. Really, Tony is right, do something for yourself.

Lots of beautiful thoughts are coming your way.

9:56 PM  
Blogger Molly Malone said...

a few notes:

"Doctor! It hurts when I bend my arm like this. What should I do?"
"Stop bending your arm like that!"
Why do you keep exposing yourself to situations that make you feel like shit. STOP GOING TO THESE FUCKING BABY AND WEDDING SHOWERS! if people are offended, they can suck it. you're clearly making yourself sick.

Do you spend all day worrying about whether some indian chick you know back home is this, that or the other? probably not, because you've got food to eat, bills to pay, school to attend ... a life. i doubt others spend a fraction of the time thinking you're a witch that you think they do. and if they are so petty as to think that - WHY HUMOR THEM WITH THE BEAUTY OF YOUR PRESENCE? THEY'RE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME - IT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT IN THIS LIFE!

finally, with the exception of today, i've been sliding into my own depression for which i'm seeking help right now. i would prefer it if you could kindly take a vacation from the funk so that i could please get my wallow time in. don't be so selfish with the pity pot; share some!

you know i love you.

... and btw, 2/3 of what i've just written i could revise and give back to myself; in fact i need to!

:)

11:53 PM  
Blogger Virginia Gal said...

Joe - thanks, at least you think I'm good enough and that makes me think that maybe its not me, maybe its these places who are doing the hiring.

Tony - you are so sweet, yes maybe during spring break, I can do this - a Virginia Gal day. And thanks so much for the vote of confidence re: jobs...I hope so!

Merci - tea and a good book, what a perfect remedy!! I love the idea that lots of beautiful things are coming my way. Thank you.

Molly - hee hee, yes, I need to call you before I go to these things so you can remind me, "what the hell are you thinking?!" It wasn't worth it, to make me feel so bad about myself. You've made me laugh and that is a medicine that I sorely need, thank you.
As for your funk, I'm so sorry - I wish I had some magical pixie dust to make it go away....please know I'm here.

9:13 AM  
Blogger CSL said...

I agree with Molly - baby and wedding showers are optional. At this particular point in my own life, you could not pay me enough to attend a wedding shower. And, it is unseemly to think you are an old hag at 30. Besides, older woman have babies and baby showers all the time. I had my first at 31, which actually felt a little young to me. I recommend bubble baths. Lots of them. And music you love. Good luck to you!

7:30 PM  
Blogger Virginia Gal said...

csl - you're so sweet - bubble baths, how nice! Its nice to hear that people have babies over 30, because I worry I'll never have one. You're right, I've gotta stop going to these things...enough is enough! Thank you!

11:27 AM  

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