Mean Person
Its almost official, I am not a nice person. This weekend the family and I went to a friend's graduation party. This friend is going to my current school, VCU, of which I have not had the most pleasant of experiences. I let my temper get the best of me and berated her and some others in the group who also go to the school about how bad the place was and really the diatribe was in relation to just my encounters. It was not nice of me at all.
It also got me thinking...I have had fights with good friends (where others have not), argue with my family on occasion (when others do not). I let my temper and feelings of injustice take over and I get mad; I imagine slights where they are not, hold grudges and fly off the handle at often the slightest provocation. I am a mean person.
I now have to paths to chose - stay the same or try to change.
Is it to late for me? Can I become a good person? Do I want to..no one wants a real nice person around, because how do we feel better about ourselves but by putting down others? This is especially true in the Indian Muslim community. Oh God (have you abandoned me?) help me on the right path..
posted by Virginia Gal @ 11:41 PM
10 Comments:
Sorry, but we all want nice people around, even if we rarely find them. As for changing yourself, you are the only one that can do that. I've been working on myself. The first start is to learn not to take things too seriously, and the second is to learn to laugh at everything.
Next time you get mad, stop, think about it, and start laughing at yourself for getting mad. Soon that part will come easy, and you will be able to do it at the start of the mad, so you will soon be able to laugh at anything.
I had two reactions to this.
1) Yes, you can change things like arguing when it isn't helpful (and sometimes, it is helpful) and being so reactive to perceived slights. It's like any other habit you want to change, and you work on it a little at a time.
2) But I cringed to see you describe yourslef as a "mean person." As if anyone is uniformly nice or mean. As if you can divide the world into good people and bad people. I don't think it works that way. I've personally been the recipient of kindness from you, so I'm just not buying it. So please, please cut yourself some slack. The niceness needs to start with how you treat yourself.
I have to agree with Citizen - we all have bad days, and grumpy moments, and times we wish we hadn't opened our mouths. If it's happening too often for your comfort, of course you can change! But do give yourself a break, and some credit for all the kind things you do, which are many. And remember, a simple apology can go a long way.
Silly VA Gal! :-) Hugs.
O GAL you mean I doubt it! Some folk just don't like constructive critisisim(sp?)
I think I am much like you, I just say what comes to my head and some take t wrong. I do apologise if I think I have truly harmed someone. My momma always told me your mouth is gonna get you in trouble, yes I gues that is true, but not so badly I couldn't handle it.
Unfortunately most folk don't like honesty and I think thats prob what you are doing, saying something honest.
Personally I forgive you. =)
I just don't think that you should have pointed all of this out, because (and I'm not trying to be rude) there are some other reasons as to why I am going to VCU that I don't feel like disclosing.
I really am sorry that your experience was so awful. But remember the real reason you were there, not to be social but to get a degree.
its really no big deal. your not a mean person, you saw an oppurtunity to voice your opinions and you did, the manner of which some of us didn't agree, but whats done is done, don't worry about it.
There's nothing wrong with an honest opinion that's given in the spirit of discussion. If it wasn't said to hurt someone intentionally, then it wasn't meant to be hurtful.
We're all human; no one's perfect. At some point in our lives, we've done things we regret later. But we live and learn. That's life; we can change if we want. So long as we recognize our shortcomings and work on them, I think we become better people. Besides, your real friends are the ones who you can argue with and know that you'll still back each other up when it really matters.
I get that way when I'm edgy or dissatisfied, and I'm more likely to do it with certain people.
You'll actually be less likely to do it again if you forgive yourself. Plan how to handle it in the future so you'll be prepared.
If God abandoned us for such things we'd be a sorry lot!
Joe - thanks for the tips, I like the idea of laughing at tense moments : )
Citizen - I am black and white thinker and trying to learn to be more in the gray. thanks for your kind words.
Darla - You made me smile, I send you hugs back.
Mommantor - its nice to know I have a buddy out there, someone who can empathize with me. Yes I guess my feelings of honesty get the better of me, when sometimes saying nothing at all would be better.
Naema - I am glad you forgive me and I am sorry that I created such a scene. You're right I did go for a degree and not to be social and it worked out to my benefit, since I did well. But it can be a very lonely place where I would go days without speaking to another soul.
I appreciate that you probably have to go to VCU for financial reasons, but I just pray you don't change to become one of those fake girls who populate the Muslim VCU crowd. Don't get me wrong, some of the girls and boys are nice but some are VERY insincere - don't, PLEASE, get sucked into that, I beg you! InshAllah you will get to do a year or a semester abroad and not be always there in Richmond.
Eros - There is hope - appreciate your hopeful words. Gracias.
Merci - you are so sweet! Yes, preparation is a good idea.
how's this for a bad person? i read this post a week ago and i'm JUST NOW getting around to commenting! i must be a horrible monster!
a few thoughts which i'm sure have already been mentioned here.
1) it's good to recognize when you are behaving badly; particularly when you're berating people who may not have the same feelings/experiences about something that you've had. but this does not make you a "bad person."
2) um, who DOESN'T have fights with close friends and family on occasion? if anything, this might be indicative that you need a major change. and maybe it's been precipitated by you having to return after such a positive major change. my best friend in adolescence and i always had kind of a competitive relationship. and i remember being a huge odds with her the last year of high school. why? i was aching for the major change that only graduation and leaving the nest could bring. i can't tell you how liberated and grown up i felt, when at the age of 18, i waved my family off as they moved 12 hours in one direction and i drove 8 hours in the other. snappiness - in my experience - sometimes indicates you need a mega-change; that you're overdue.
3) only you can control you. YOU control what environments you put yourself in, (you could've sat out the party if you suspected you might have these irritable feelings), and even when you don't decide your environment, YOU control what you do, YOU control how you react. sometimes we slip and flip. big deal. apologize to the one you wronged and let it go.
4) DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP! it does no good whatsoever and only serves to coddle your fears and weaken your resolve to behave and react more productively next time. you're human. let it go. it's okay to forgive yourself.
if nothing else, we love you!
Molly - thank you! and about your change observation, I think you have hit the nail on the head, coming back to all of that was a little backward to me, after Denmark.
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